Things only women can understand

10. Cats’ facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Published in: on July 31, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Factory Workers

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?

Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied. “It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.

Published in: on July 29, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Needs

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, “I don’ t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.

The husband says ” WHAT???” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We ‘ll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says “but you don ‘t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.”

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says ” I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.

The husband says, ” no no no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.” The wife face goes blank.

No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says ” You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!

Published in: on July 27, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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NY Times ad

Ad seen in the New York Times…

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.

$1,000.00 or best offer.

No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything.

Published in: on July 24, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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New relationship book

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our

relationship. It’s titled: ‘Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.‘”

Published in: on July 22, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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3 types of people

There are 3 basic types of people in the world:
1. Those who can count.

2. Those who can’t.

Published in: on July 20, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Everything men know about women

The following is a comprehensive federal study, approved by the Attorney General:
Everything Men Know About Women

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

End of Report
U.S. Attorney General’s Office

Published in: on July 17, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Drive them wild

Q. What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money

Published in: on July 15, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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A dying wish

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.

He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking
cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with
a spatula.

Gasping for breath, he asked her, “Why did you do that?

Those are for the funeral.

Published in: on July 13, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Outdoor BBQ

It’s the only type of cooking a “real” man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:
1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a soda.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

Published in: on July 10, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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I owe my mother

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

My mother taught me RELIGION.
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.

 My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!

My mother taught me LOGIC.
Because I said so, that’s why.

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY.
Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
Shut your mouth and eat your supper.

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
Stop acting like your father!

My mother taught me about ENVY.
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
Just wait until we get home.

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
You are going to get it when you get home!

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.

 
My mother taught me ESP.
Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?

My mother taught me HUMOR.
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

My mother taught me GENETICS.
You’re just like your father.

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?

My mother taught me WISDOM.
When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.

And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

Published in: on July 8, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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It hurts

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

Oh,” said the blonde girl sympathetically, “that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once.

Published in: on July 6, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Its a Period

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

Eventually little Johnny’s turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

It’s a period,” reported Johnny.

Well I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period.

Damned if I know,” said Johnny, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.

Published in: on July 3, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Cooking?

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.

Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other.

You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ‘Take a clean dish.

Published in: on July 1, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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You were there to support me

The woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?

What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fillwith warmth.

I think you’re bad luck.”

Published in: on June 26, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Ball Rolling

Three men were waiting at Heaven’s gates. Peter says, “OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe.

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, “How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?

He nudges the babe and says, “Tell them.
She says to the first two guys, “I lied.

Published in: on June 24, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Express Line

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

Excuse me,” she said, “I’m in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, “Not bad.

Published in: on June 22, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Eye of Gratitude

In the prime of her career, a world famous painter started to lose her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor’s office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic
eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art — the doctor’s office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, “What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?

The eye doctor responded, “I said to myself, ‘Thank God I’m not a proctologist.

Published in: on June 19, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Money to afterlife

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!” she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.

She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.

You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?

I sure did, ” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.

Published in: on June 17, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Cannabils

There were three men going camping in a far away island.Cannabils attacked them and brought them to their layer.
Bring aton of certin fruit back here” said the cannibal chief.
So the first two men get back first.
You have to put 20 of each fruit up your butt without making any face esspresion at all
The first man had apples.He got to 4 before he went crazy.They cooked and stewed him.The second had tomatoes.”This’ll be easy“He thought.
He made it to 14 then went laughing.So they cooked him.Up in Heaven…
‘Why did you lose it you were so close.
I saw the other guy have cocunuts

Published in: on June 15, 2009 at 6:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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